Personal Look At Why
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Friday, September 21, 2007, 5:14 PM
why do you injure yourself?
I hate myself. I hate feeling sad all the time. I like pain because it makes me feel alive. I like to watch blood flow from my arm. I hate people. I'm not happy. When I see the cut and feel the pain, it is different. It is visable, unlike my depression.
2. how do you self-injure most often? do you use other methods?
if so, what are they?
I cut, a lot. I use razors, glass, saftey pins, needles, plastic, anything I can. I hit myself sometimes, hard enough to leave a bruise.
3. do you feel pain when you self-injure?
I feel pain. That's why I self injure. I can feel it. I feel soemthing other than sad.
4.how do you feel before, during, after? how long does a session usually last?
Before- I feel like crap. I'm really sad, or really angry, which in turn makes me sad. Sometimes I don't feel anything. I just feel hollow, like a shell of a person.
During- I feel high. I control the amount of pressure I put on the object, how deep it goes in, I can feel the pain and see the blood. My pain is on the outside rather than on the inside. I feel relief knowing that it is visible. Knowing i still feel pain.
After-I feel ok for awhile, like I can make it through the day. But it usually only lasts about a day, or less. Then I feel bad agian, and cut agian.
The whole process lasts anywhere from 5-30 minutes. It depends how bad I'm feeling.
5. do you have a ritual? what is it?
I usually cut at night. I will lay there, crying or frustrated, and decide at that moment to cut. Soemtimes I cut during the day, when I think that I won't be able to stand another second.
6. do drugs or alcohol play a role?
I never cut under the influence. When i drink, I normally feel ok. I feel calm and collected, and nothing seems to effect me.
7. how do you know when it's time to stop a particular session?
When I feel the relief. When I know I can feel alright for awhile. When I get tired. All of these things.
8. do you have effective methods for stopping yourself? please describe them.
The only thing that has ever kept me from cutting is sleeping in my little sisters room. If I want to cut, I normally just do it.
9. have you ever self-injured in front of anyone?
No. To me it is a personal thing that no one should see or really know too much about. It is a apart of my life. I would feel weird doing that in front of people. It is very secret for me. people know I do cut, but they have never seen any evidence of it.
10. are you "out" about self-injury? how do you hide it? do you know anyone else who does this?
People who are close to me know, and some blabber moulths told other people. Most of my grade knows I'm depressed and that I cut. That is why I don't share things with others anymore. I wear sweatshirts and bracelets to hid my cuts. Sometimes I cut on my thigh, where no one will see it. I know many people who have or do cut. We don't talk about it much though.
11. if you have told people about your self-injury, how did you do it? how did they react?
They found my scars and they told me they did it too. We understood eachother. Other people made fun of me, called me "emo", told other people like it was a thing to gossip about, or they hugged me and told me to stop. Most people don't understand me.
12. have you been medically treated for self-inflicted injuries? how many times? what were the attitudes of the treatment providers like?
I've never been sent to a hospital. I do see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but that is all. They can help sometimes. My medicine isn't helping my depression though.
13. Have you taken medication to control your self-injury? What meds (at what doses) worked best for you?
None of my meds have worked on controlling my cutting or my depression. My psychiatrist won't change my med though.
14. have you ever been hospitalized because of self-injury? what were the circumstances?
No, luckily. I always make sure I can treat it myself.
15. have you ever lost a therapist because s/he couldn't deal with your self-injurious behavior?
I had to leave a therapist and find a new one because she wasn't really helping me with it.
16. what have been the consequences of self-injury in your life?
Losing friends, fighting with parents, parents fighting with eachother, mom crying, dad yelling, sister becoming more involved in my life, more medicine, more therapy, worse depression, and more sadness.
17. do you suffer from other disorders (anorexia, depression, substance abuse, kleptomania, etc)? if so, what are they? you do have a history of abuse or trauma>
I have OCD, and depression. I also have a fear of rejection.
is there anything you wanted to say but didn't find a place for? please include your gender, age, age of first self-injury, and years of education.
I am 17, I started cutting when I was 14, I am a female, and I am in 11th grade. I really first cut when I was 7 (i was suffering from OCD) but I stopped. I say it really started when I was 14, because it became a weekly thing.
Do not judge me...I don't judge you.
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