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by Firelia_Save_Us222
It's my senior year in high school and this is the weekday to weekday tell all about it. Because I've been doing this for almost two years now, it has become something I always have to do. Writing in general is something very dear to me and I am just very thankful for the amount of views and occasional comment I get. Cheers.
Number of entries: 717
Number of views: 21,810
Last public entry date: March 17, 2010 9:31 PM
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STAY OR WALK AWAY
Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 9:31 PM
With this month almost coming to an end, it makes me more scared of life after high school. Now, it is going to happen and I just want everything to go more slower with school. Everything, while things are in need of major attention, is going pretty great. Except for this morning. Well, I woke up at earlier than this week but did the whole fall asleep thing again and woke up at 6:15AM. Yeahhhhh.... that was not good. Well I knew what I was going to wear for the day so all I needed to worry about was having the right hair... straightening it to heat damaged perfection. It looked good. Ate a lot of breakfast, man I ate a lot today, listened to Bad Romance and got to school at 7:21AM. Ah, made it. Got my permission slip signed and turned into principal. Slow walking sophomores got in my way of going to Connections. Ugh... Did my slides and talked to teacher about my damned luck with service. I think at this point what matters is getting the hours done and connecting it to my topic isn't the highest priority right now. Ah.
First period, I had this gimmick all set up. Hey, first I call it Hamlet style, disposition, and now I'm calling it a gimmick. Ah well, no one does it better than the superstars and divas in the WWE. (While we're on that, there is a ban on chair shots. I think it's kind of funny because all of them softens the impact of the chair shot because they put their hand in front of their head. And, screw believability, who in their right mind would want to get clocked in the head with a chair? I know it happened a lot and everyday their bodies are on the line, performing in ways athletes cannot keep up with, getting hit with a steel chair is never worth it. People, at least I, want to see weapon-less action.) Okay, so first period I come in and sit in my spot, moving my desk farther from his. Well, my "gimmick" was clocked into my head when I did that. But it worked. So it was an all work day. So I was looking over the things in my book and was talking to myself and then he looks over. Which was really funny, I shot him back with a couple of sentences, did what he did whenever I look at him and say "what." It was funny. Then I checked my problem answers in the answer key. Pretty much he had nothing to do so he moved his desk closer to mine and asked for the answer key. Me being like I didn't know what was going on. We shared answer key and he showed me how to do number 17 (which ended up being wrong anyway but, he's really funny) while he was going through the steps he kept saying "right?" after the end of every step and I wouldn't respond back so he repeated what he said and I remember for one he repeated himself three times in the same tone of voice because I didn't say anything and then I just started laughing. It was like, "I got it already!" Ah, fun. At the end he was like, "you know this better than me" or some bullshit like that. It was like, what was he talking about. But it was cool. After that I left my spot to get help on some graphing things. It kept me the whole period. He, on his side, started "falling asleep" which means his usual rest his head on his desk because he was bored and had nothing to do. When his head was up and I was looking at him again he was like "what" and I told him to go back to sleep. Exchanged looks with slit shifty eyes because we're cool. At the end of the period, no walking alongside but it's cool. There was no need for that on a day like this.
Third period was assembly planning which was bumped to next Tuesday. Looks like we need that extra few days. Well, we did need the band to play their solos. I'm going to be MC along with my friend so that's going to be cool. Didn't do much here also. So. Lunch, got lunch and ate quietly in a table full of loud inappropriate people. But it was okay. Fifth period we talked about random stuff pertaining to sex sex sex and birth control. Today's our last day of sex sex sex ed and teacher asked us if there were any questions we needed to ask before the unit was over. Someone said this, "We should have a party... a sex party." I mean, it was funny. It wasn't like sex sex but a party with food and stuff. But hey, it was super funny then. Next we'll be learning about drugs and alcohol. Yeah.
After school was the PN meeting where we talked about things. Ah. This is moving along pretty quickly, way more than last year. But... this is scary also. With the things and the things you have to take care of before you travel outside the freaking country. Ah. So the "only" thing I have to take care of tonight are my PowerPoint slides, deciding what I'm going to bring for the field trip tomorrow (yayyyz!) and get in bed early enough to fall asleep before 11PM and wake up before 6AM and stay up. But overall, good day with lots of smiling.
SPOTLIGHT
Tuesday, March 16, 2010, 9:03 PM
It's a funny thing, how days are. This morning I was thinking, today is Tuesday and the week is almost over. Everything happens so quickly. And it's like, hey, at this rate it doesn't look like I'm going to graduate. But, with the million things that are going wrong, and the little things that feel like a million things, something offers something nice and it does feel good. It's just, it doesn't happen every single day.
So being WAIT LISTED doesn't feel as bad as it did yesterday. I mean, I never had a first choice so it would feel kind of weird getting accepted after being on the wait list only to reject that college because I'd be going somewhere else. Since I got accepted to SU, it looks like I'll be going there but like what the guy in the homework help center said to me today after school, there's a lot of white people. Not like I have a problem with those kind of people but... being in my high school makes me value diversity. If GC were a college then I'd definitely go there.
I woke up again at 6:20AM which sucked. I mean, I don't know what's up with that at all. Took time getting ready. Knew all this time that I don't have a lot of clothing that is black. Yeah, it's not very cool because today I wanted to go Hamlet style where I would put on an angry silent (not crazy) disposition and I wanted to not direct attention to myself. So I wanted some dark things to suit my mood but it didn't work out that way. Ended up wearing dark shades of blue. Ha. And I listened to TDG on my way to school. Specifically Without You. Because that song is awesome. Connections was first and we just watched a video of our newsmagazine. People making fun of me while on our way out. I mean, twenty minutes into school and my act didn't work. Well, there's always the rest of the day and hey, I planned on going to the library today for lunch so that sounds cool.
Second period was a big "watch the men work on the launchers." It was nothing much for the other gender in the class. I mean, I took wood shop for two years. We all know the story of the Hurricane Katrina victim who had to be my partner and he was a bitter fellow who verbally abused me. Yeah, we all know that story. Well, while we could have been doing physics work, we just talked and stuff, sometimes I went outside to look at my launcher and didn't do any work. It was an hour and forty five minutes of nothing. Felt a bit bad about that but...
Fourth period we didn't run because some studs were out testing, the non-WASL test. So we played pickle ball for the hour and forty five minutes. I sort of got annoyed because towards the end I really wanted to play and the people on the court weren't that into it. It seemed like... I mean, I wouldn't go and play with the guys but... I just wanted to whack that ball around and keep it on the court. Well, glad there was no running. For lunch, didn't really stay in the library for long. Went into sixth period and there was my friend in there and it's like, hey there's a half an hour until is over so I'll go get lunch. When I left the room, the-guy-I-supposedly-like-but-have-said-for-what-it-seems-like-the-millionth-time-that-I-shouldn't-like-him-but-end-up-abandoning-that-thought-the-next-day, was walking in another direction, maybe heading towards the tennis court. So I was like, safe. But when I came back to the classroom with my lunch in hand, he was in there. I mean, I just wanted to bolt out of there because I don't want to be in there but I came in anyway. Wanted to be like, "I don't care what he's doing and it's not going to affect where I eat my freaking lunch." So I come in there and sit next to my friend and sit with my back to him. And then people started coming in and start talking and then he comes over and sits with us. I mean, under all this unbelievability because normally people don't come in this classroom for lunch, I still kept my cool and ate a bit more. But with what I was talking about, I reverted to the loud and annoying thing I somehow always drift to. Ended up throwing away a bunch of food I could have finished had he not been there.
Sixth period I sat in the front this time and the practice essays for the AP test were extremely hard on me. Ended up not writing three essays but half of that. It was kind of discouraging and I guess... I wasn't in the mood to do that. But if may not have been that at all. It's not an easy answer but... hey. I mean, I know now what it took to write an A (actually, where I am, A-) paper and having to write really fast with premature ideas and vocabulary really does not sit well with me. Given I wrote that A- essay in two days but it doesn't connect with writing three awesome essays in two hours. I can't do that. If that wasn't any more discouraging, my loudness and annoyance doesn't seem to taper off anytime soon. But hey, sometimes it does help, having that high super up mood helped me today.
For the NHS meeting we need lots of planning. And uh... the thing is next week. So uh, the real story is in this... there is this field trip this Thursday and I sort of really want to go but didn't turn in my permission slip and principal told me I can turn it in if I finish if I get my grade up in second period. Well, I hope I remember this when I read back because a lot of hilarity ensued. But in the end I started the "past due date defense but it seems like for things like this it's overlooked because... well just because" projectile motion defense. Got the first part down and teacher signed my permission slip. I mean, he's like "you obviously know what's going on" talking about the work and it's like... I do know it some. I kept me happy because hey, my grade in second period isn't hopeless after all. And this was better than anything today. Oh, I say this all the time when I finish something in this class but, isn't this the greatest confidence booster?
Now about first period. The rest of my night consists of shower, other things, calc things, sure I'm going to be eating somewhere in the mix. Tomorrow, a bit more hopeful. Still trying to control my annoying factor. But for stuff like today it worked.
REJECTION NOTICE
Monday, March 15, 2010, 10:21 PM
Well, I don't want to remember this day as being really down and sad. But, that's what today was. And even a little live memory at the end of the school day isn't enough to say it was a good part in the day. If I were doing PowerPoint animations right now I'd make an explosion. On the list of things that matter to me, one of the things I was able to control, maybe was one of the things I completely destroyed. Completely destroyed on my own. I know I say something like that, something to the extent but there is no denying the powerfulness of a look... or the misleading power.
Yesterday I volunteered at the Bike Expo and it was fun. Wish I had taken some money with me before I was out the door but... whatever. In a huge public event like this one, I never see people I haven't seen in a long while. I was thinking, when I get older I should do some biking. Like within a group. Like cycling club. It sounds like major fun. Got some free things, a free shirt, organic granola, stickers, candy. It was cool.
The Loveline ep was cool, would have listened to the whole thing if I didn't have to wake up early the next morning. But hey, didn't do that. Was awoken at the cruel time of 6:18AM. Didn't really have time to take time but spent most of that time straightening out the hair. Which I did last night during Desperate Housewives but sleeping screws the perfect-ness up. It did look great yesterday. But today was fine also. I like the straightness. So yeah, left home at 7:13AM, there was a lot of traffic and it annoyed me. But I listened to Bad Romance so I walked into class all GaGa imitation. I wore semi-professional because of the interview I was going to go to for possible service after school. I thought I looked okay. Nice break from the usual dark jean, light jean, regular colored jean. First period was the same things, maybe I should start defending. I need to get my grade up. This is embarrassing. It's kind of hard to recap my day because I know what happened at the end of it. So it's understandable that I find it uncomfortable in typing about him. Because of what happened later in the day. Yeah, but I'm going to try because it really was cool. Problem number seven in the book was one I had trouble on. Looked at teacher’s answers and kept getting up from my seat to look at his work but I didn’t want to do that, get up, sit down, get up, sit down so there was someone next to me who most likely has the answer to problem number seven. Look to my right and he looks like he’s bored. He’s all putting his head on his desk form time to time, anything but not working. So I turn to him and was like, did you finish all the problems and he says no, the same problems he had left were the same as the ones I needed left. So that was cool. I looked at his number seven which was the same as what teacher put. But I looked more closely to see what he had done. Also known as what teacher had done. It was okay now. It was a minute or less than that when class was over. He always bolts out the door. I caught up with him and asked him why he’s always the first to leave. Can you believe I actually asked him that… he says because class was over but it’s like… he’s waited before later than the second hand swiping across the twelve before. I mean, if his tennis buddy was getting his stuff ready in his backpack he would wait for him. I don’t know but with the days coming to a close and me inevitably falling off this cliff like one of my physics problems then liking him is probably the last thing I should do. It’s not going great.
Second period was… ah well. Found out my friend got rejected from UW. It’s really sad, isn’t it? UW is a dream for some students. I know they get a lot of applicants but it’s still really sad because you hear success stories from my school. Low income students achieving their dreams of going to UW or whatever they are going. It’s like… uhhh but when he found out he laughed because he knew he didn’t do well on the application as he could have. Ah. Yeah, it’s a reason to laugh but this next one. Me and my friend went to the computers to look at our application status for U of Puget Sound. She got on while I got WAIT LISTED. At this time in the period teacher was drilling or something of the sort some wood so the class didn’t hear me yell about me being WAIT LISTED. I mean, it’s funny. How the same application with the same scores, the same letters of recommendation, the same personal statement , the same Common Application got me into one college and WAIT LISTED on the other. So, it’s kind of garbage what they tell you about what “Admissions Counselors want to hear, read, see” when they all are different. Of course the criteria may be similar in outline but it’s not the same. It’s not the same. Oh, we’re not the same. She was hopeful for me, saying I wasn’t rejected. But it’s like, half rejection. In my mind at the time I was like “I feel like Blair Waldorf when she was WAIT LISTED on Yale.” Except not the same. After that, tried doing the second to last problem I had to do in the book. Which was similar to the dreaded number nine. Looks like I can do it now… but don’t know if it will get my grade up. Hey, I have a 65.6%. Seven more percent to get a C but would have to do a written test for projectile (e)motion because I missed the due date. Stupid Me.
Connections was me talking to my friend about WAIT LISTING, REJECTION AND MOTIVATION. Nice deep thoughtful conversation about studs in high school worrying about college. Third period was assembly planning. Hey, I’m going to be an MC. Hahahahahahahahaha. Fourth period was playing and it’s like oh, it’s whatever. Tomorrow is running. For lunch I went to the computer lab and got some work done…. Got my food and for fifth period we watched a video scenario about teenage sex, it was funny but painfully reflected of today’s teenagers. Ah. But I was laughing out loud.
Sixth period… practice AP test. Today was multiple choice and you know how I’m really bad at it. He didn’t sit next to me and since I was manic from last period, I went over to the friend I always talk to about this and he’s like… talking really quietly and I was being super obnoxious and loud, he looked over with his wide eyes and I saw him doing that, made me think he heard what we were talking about. Well, his “ears must have been burning” because we were talking about him. And yeah, I am so not being discrete about it. And multiple choice practice test… read two of the four texts and even then they were confusing, would have taken an hour trying to understand what it means. But then again what I think it means isn’t the right answer so… there wasn’t really a way I could answer the 54 questions that weren’t based what it really was other than what I thought it was. I did answer a couple. And I foresee a super grim look on AP test day.
After school I was walking around, finding things, people. Found myself in the office where principal was at. Sort of charged myself through to talk to him, tell him I had an interview and if I could have his card. Yeah and then there was this guy in counselor’s office. And hey, I was like “is that… him?” But of course I didn’t say “him” I actually said his name and for some reason it was him. Okay, so this particular guy smiled at me a lot as well as a couple of hugs and hey, like after last year’s AP test. Remember that, did you? I remember when I had the monster on my face, he still waved and smiled at me so that was cool Although it didn’t cheer me up then. He was full of surprises, he smoked pot (never really saw it as he smelled of it terribly after lunch), allegedly sexually harassed my friend (but why would she have a reason to lie?), he got mad when I raised my voice, although jokingly, in Spanish class two years ago, also in the same class he said I was “fine” with emphasis. So, yeah, he was in school campus today, talking to counselor and he had a look wave of hello-ance. It was cool. Hope I see him again because he’s kind of cool minus the pot but no excuses he seems like the kind who doesn’t have a stable family. Oh, almost forgot, I heard him talking about stealing things from a store two years ago. So, bad news if one gets involved with a guy like him but in a school setting where things are strictly Spanish speaking or saying hi and smiling, it’s cool.
So, interview-ing. After walking around the area for a cumulative of 30 minutes, most of those minutes fast walking which gave the gut a diminished look when I came home, I had that interview. And I got a NO. It’s kind of understandable but what a huge let down. I mean, it’s really okay but to have this dragged out for nearly a month and have it end badly was really disappointing. So, it looks like I’m not going to graduate high school. As of right now at least. Ah, even the guy who smoked pot during lunch last year graduated from high school.
The rest of tonight consists of… well I don’t really have any homework but I’m going to watch House and Gossip Girl. While working on a little bit of things as well. I feel so down right now but… I hope I feel this way throughout tomorrow so I can stick to one emotion. With this ultimate day being really really horrible, I want it to carry over. I want to be silent tomorrow.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
Friday, March 12, 2010, 7:37 PM
I've had the "regret to inform you" letter before. Back then it wasn't much of a surprise but still, being let down is never something I can be prepared to feel and it's not something I can just move past from. "We regret to inform you that you will have to find another way to pay for college. Please don't let this make you rethink your abilities and characteristics. We know you're a smart and bright girl but there was a pool of thousands of students just like you who were a little bit better and who qualified for the Federal Pell Grant. But even if you did qualify, chances are you still might not have made it as a finalist because it's apparent to everyone which applicants spent their time on completing the essays and which, like you, only started weeks before it was due. So this in the end, costed you, allow yourself to think otherwise but the hardcore truth is, you are not a finalist so find some other way to pay through college."
So I think this all the time. I'm not rich, not even close. I don't own a fancy phone, I can't wear something different everyday. I have three pairs of shoes, there's mold growing between these walls as well as bugs, I sleep on old pillows, my parents both work nearly every day of the week 12 hours or more those days, all in all I feel financially nothing is really fair. Imagine how my heart sank when I found out I didn't qualify for the Federal Pell Grant. So I don't know how much money my parents make but if they made enough then why am I living like this... There's a lot I don't understand about this but I just don't think it's fair. I'm super bitter and regretful about this whole experience. If I were different than this I'd have a better chance. I wish I were different and despite being the only one who could turn myself into someone different I won't. I haven't found that power within myself. Everything that I am is the biggest reason why I think I'm a total fraud.
Well, with that rainstorm of gray and sulk behind me now, here comes my Friday. Two weeks ago I was accepted to SU and suddenly that made me believe I'd get accepted to the other two colleges I applied to but haven't received word. Come this Monday I'll find out about another one. But it was a huge bummer. I will not be a Gates Millennium Scholar.
This morning was the same as the other ones, nothing different. First period was new info day. Integration by Substitution. By the end of the day I did start to get a hang of it. So that part was cool. Have homework this weekend which I will be doing. Trying. First period was nice, came in at first with the "ignore him" thing again with the "rest my head on my hand to look like I'm not alright" thing. It worked because he said hi to me at the beginning and he said bye at the end. That's not hardcore proof that looking and acting like an apathetic tired jerk makes him say such things but hey, it's working. Love that smile. Those eyes.
Third period we had the guest speaker from last time come in to do some leader building and talk about our April assembly. It was tough, the whole talking thing and presenting thing but we made it through. Fifth period was talk about abortion. Something really heavy... not to be rude but I think there are better ways to learn that other than having teacher read out loud what we could have read silently or through some other way. But still, what are some ways to teach studs about the types of abortion. I'm sure it's not supposed to be fun. After class I walked to the Commons, passed him walking with the teacher he is TA for. He had on a smile on his face and he looked at me, he smiled and so did I. His face just lights up when he's in his element, his math fortress. So after school I sort of volunteered myself to clean two thermoses for the Bike Expo coffee sale tomorrow. Principal opened the door to the custodian room and I was in there cleaning that stuff, guess he just wanted me to rinse off the other residue and things in there because he only gave me a sponge to work with and no soap. How I wished I had soap to do a thorough job but that would not have been a pretty sight, I would have gotten really messy.
The rest of this weekend I will sleep and do homework, tonight I will shower, watch Smackdown and go to sleep at 9PM. I want to wake up early, stay there in my bed looking up wondering what I'm going to do about my future. Or whatever.
MISERY WILL FOLLOW
Thursday, March 11, 2010, 10:00 PM
Well, today was extremely awkward and uncomfortable. But hey, I met a benchmark. But failed to do something else I should have done. This morning I intended on waking up early but it didn't happen like that. I just wanted to sleep. It was the best thing in the world. To sleep in and not have to worry about school. I wish sleeping in the weekends would give me that satisfaction. Which bring me to... it's almost the weekend. Yeah hey... all day today Darkest Blue by Lostprophets was in my head. It's a lovely song but not so much lyrically. But hey, anything coming out of Ian Watkins' mouth is lovely.
So I got out of bed at 6:10AM, doing the getting ready stuff. Wore jeans I hadn't worn in a long time. About a couple of years old and they look disgusting on me but with just a shirt pulled down over my ugly ugly arse, I looked okay. Had to prepare myself for the extremely awkward day ahead. Ha. Second period was an all work day but my friend wasn't here so I pretty much didn't work on what I was supposed to be working on. Almost finished the problems, maybe will be able to turn that in. Yeah, I'm going to make that next Tuesday. Mark me! For the rest of second period, told people that the field trip next week is on the same day of the launch day for our egg things so that's going to cause some problems. Yeah...
Connections was a brighter story, but before that... Teacher showed us a PowerPoint about what not to do in a slideshow. Well, another class joined our class and hey... it's his class and he comes and sits next to me. Hey, would you look at that. I mean, it was weird, I just turned around the put my backpack on my chair and hey, there he was. There. So yeah, he sits next to me and it's like, hey he's here sitting next to me. Genuinely adorable confused awkwardness between the two us involving misguided exchanged looks and a series of "what's" that followed. Ah. So when the presentation slideshow was done, his class left and he left without saying anything, naturally, and I sat there getting ready to do work. Which I did, yay. My powerpoint is coming along, now if only one important piece will just fall into place.
Fourth period was the same. More walking around and occasional playing. Nothing much really. Thought about lunch and what I would do. I decided on going to the library and finished up last night's homework and then if there was enough time go to physics and start that defense. Well. On my way to the library principal reminded me about a meeting so then I had to bail going to start the defense. But hey, doing last night's homework during lunch got me to pass a benchmark but then for that to happen I had to go through the extreme awkward museum also known as sixth period.
What an introduction. So sixth period I come in and there seemed to be a tennis meeting of some sort. Yeah well, I came in on time and they were just finishing up. Ended up not sitting next to him after all. Without making myself too obvious, I didn't sit next to him but sat next to my friend and he sat on the edge of our table. And then he left. Which made me unbelievably and annoying overreact and show this all to my other friend. Saying radical things like he hates me and he couldn't stand to be in the same table with me, stuff like that. Friend didn't believe me but it's like, he never believes the stupid things I say. Ha. When it came to individual work time, HE came back and joined us. It sort of made me think some things again but I just figured since we're all friend here, right, he'd feel more comfortable working with us. Which... I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. I wonder what would happen if I didn't say anything at all. But hey, some of the things I did say weren't that embarrassing or anything that made me feel extremely guilty afterward. But hey, I wish I could say I'm definitely certain he doesn't like me at all. But like what the guy who I tell all of this too says, I don't know for sure. No homework for the weekend but next weekend is practice AP test day. I better shine my glasses and put on my smart hair. It's going to be tough.
After school I took the 3PM bus which I should rename the 3:11PM bus that only comes at 3PM unexpectedly. It was cold and sprinkling rain. I came home like tomorrow there is no school but there's just one thing that's getting in the way. First period. Am I going to do some work? Hey, I'll take the rest of tonight to try. Tomorrow is a 1,3,5 day and I want to seriously wake up early tomorrow to write up something awesome. Now, I wonder what I'm going to wear. I should wear something nicer than what I have been but then, I don't have anything of the sort that I haven't already worn. Ha. Well I'm excited for some serious sleep tonight.
RELEASE THE HOUNDS
Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 7:51 PM
Updated Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 7:52 PM
What a weird day it was. Fluctuating emotions and things going wrong, this day was not really in my favor but hey, one thing at a time. Tonight (my head is spinning) is going to busy with shower, homework homework and the constant laziness and waste of time I manage to squeeze in at nights. Ah. Let's see if I can nonstop work tonight. Yeah.
Well this morning I woke up at 5:30AM. Loveline was off in the last segment, turned off that radio and within minutes I was asleep and deep in it. Woke up really tired and it was like I don't want to get up yet. But I did and I was a mess. (Now the girl is stressed) Haha. Thought I looked okay given the circumstance and the tired thing. But by 7AM that was gone because I was rapidly moving to get ready for school. Didn't know what would happen today in calc. Come in listening to Lying From You by Linkin Park. Sitting down with the same glossed over smile I always have on when I come into this class. We did a problem as a class and some alone work time. Here again. I try but a lot of this stuff is not clicking with me like the before stuff. And then substitution, the demo teacher gave us totally blew me away. Followed what he did but if I were to do that on my own I wouldn't know what to do. It's always like that but hey, before class HE says hi to me and I say it back and asked him about tennis practice. He said it was good but his shoulder was paining him a little bit. It's like awww but then deep furrowed brow. Because he just bolted out of first period. Now I know things aren't the same and there are a million reasons for bolting but... in my mind I just wanted us to walk alongside together. Somewhat.
So today eighth graders were being shown around school. Pretty much they decided who was going to do that last Friday and since I wasn't here I couldn't show potential GC freshmen around the school. Who would be better to talk up the school like how John Cena got crammed down everybody's throats than me? Ha, no but I did want to do that. When groups of them came by I just started waving so I would get their attention. Most of the time they didn't see me but it sure made a laugh in Connections. I worked on my slides and have a good starting idea on my presentation. I'm sure the content will be okay but my voice will not be. Every time I try to break into serious voice mode I feel like my voice just starts to break down and sound like fake and like I don't want to talk that way. Ah. So third period we did some assembly prep. Looks like I'm going to be doing some serious work here. Or I'm going to look like I am. Yay yay. Well, no I should try to work a little bit harder. Or maybe a lot. There's no right or wrong answer I just have to work harder. Ha. For lunch I ate a lot and it was nice. Yeah.
Fifth period, the continuation of sex sex sex education. If we were snow bound in this school, I wouldn't mind being stuck in fifth period even if it meant I wouldn't be with him. It's a lot of fun in fifth period. Well, talking about sex sex sex and all that. I did my presentation which really did suck and I need a lesson in confident talking. We started on pregnancy and soon questions were being asked about sex. It was major funny today but I don't really want to type it out all on here. Let's just say there was a question on flavored condoms and teacher said it's not used for penetration but for oral sex and she proceeded to use an inappropriate hand gesture for oral sex. I was like "what was that?" to the gesture and everyone burst out laughing. Even me, it was hard to contain. Still wanted to laugh out when the subject matter changed. No homework for this class which is nice.
After school I took the 2:30PM bus, went to the store and got back to the stop in time to make the 3PM bus to normandy park where I could walk home. I walked kind of fast, maybe because I was mad and deeply saddened by the news that I may not qualify for a scholarship I worked really hard on. I still need to make sure but it made me cry on the bus. The rest of my night consists of shower, homework, homework, little bit of cleaning, sleep sleep and the day is done. I do need to start advocating for myself.
INTRICATE CALCULATION
Tuesday, March 9, 2010, 9:51 PM
This sleep spell was over come this morning... yayyyz. I got out of bed not in the 6AM hour. I had some work to finish which I put off to this morning and I actually got up and did it, got up at 5:10AM... some of it. Didn't really want to think too deeply in the morning, so I did half of it and watched How I Met Your Mother on Demand. "Let's go to the mall everybody!"
I was listening to I Like It Rough by Lady GaGa when I got into school. When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw him walking onto campus with his sister. Ah. Got into class and waited until the song was done for me to get into physics mode. Still failing this class but got some work done. Know about the things I wanted to do differently this semester, it's kind of happening. The whole gradual thing. But not really considering what happened in second though... it was kind of funny. With everyone and just that. Ah. The last day of DP we were in the commons with sugary treats and surveys. I ate knowing that gym running was next. I mean, DP wasn't all bad. I really liked the trips to UW and I really appreciate all the work they do to support us and our future endeavors. Although I didn't do much or make the extreme most of the time, a part of me is going to miss it.
So fourth period. This thing about me and running, I hated it today. Other days it's not that bad but today. After having that food in DP, my stomach hurt like it would while running. And despite this on again off again sickness, I'd rather run outside than in the gym. It's warm in the gym. So today we played badminton again and it looked like I was the bad one now. But sometimes it wasn't fair and I do think a part of my suckiness was because of the racket. I am a believer of that. Now. For lunch I went to the library and did finished the work I started this morning. Wondered what will happen in sixth period.
So in sixth period... there were lots of chairs up in the front but you know people don't sit in chairs. But it's understandable because people want desk space to put their work on, they don't like to hold up their books for note taking. I know I don't so that's why I sit up at the front. You know, like a million times before in this period. I sit at the front and the seat to my right is intended for someone... aha. Yeah he doesn't sit there but you know, I tried to be okay with it because he can sit wherever he wants and it's not mine to determine seat placement. We did some hardcore text markup with excessive different colored pen use. It was nice. Things like that allow me to understand text better but it does take a while, a huge chunk of forty minutes. When that demo from teacher was over, how she would mark up text, she gave us the choice of staying up front and do group work or go back to the tables and do some individual work at the tables. The work was mark up another text and do a chart on it. So I get up because I can mark text on my own and he's like ... well I forgot word for word what he said but to summarize in a less cool way, he was like you're going to help me right? And I was like, where are you going to sit... and I just pretty much follow him to where he's going to sit. Actually it was silent work for the most part, me getting out my impressive collection of pens to share. We read a piece about wind and I thought it was kind of cool. I marked up that text the best I could, it wasn't like the other piece we read. Thought I couldn't make a smart thought about it but in the end it turned out okay. While the three of us, him and me plus our other friend, were discussing the text, a camera crew came in and shot a few shots of him. Hoped they got some awesome shots of me looking up lovingly at him. Ha. I mean, this wasn't so unexpected, class knew beforehand but we don't know why he was being taped. Maybe because he's so awesome. Ah here I am expressing favoritism. But hey, have to be honest, some of the stuff he said didn't really sit well with me. He expressed his boredom and how what class was doing wasn't 'fun.' I know I complain a lot but I wasn't really comfortable with him complaining, it's caused with the fact that I don't know him well and I wouldn't know what to say to that... yeah. So I didn't say anything. For once. Yeah. So there was some off topic talking, especially them talking about tennis practice. Ah. About the off topic chatter, I don't really know what to say about it, I said some things that was kind of risky, things that I wouldn't say if anyone else was around. Other than the two of them. When it was school time over, he almost busted out the door and here I was being like... turn around... turn around. And he does and we say bye. Ah!!! And it wasn't like say words bye, it was more of a silent bye with me smiling like a maniac. But it didn't make me giddy or anything like it did before. Mayjah happy feelings.
So for the NHS meeting, multicultural lunch planning. It's cool. And it was extremely funny. Now, if everyone consistently came to meetings then it would be super awesome. Missed the 3PM bus because it actually came at 3PM so I had to call home for a ride home. Ah. Had a conversation with someone I didn't think I would. It was nice though, I like how high school opened my mind to shattering thoughts about people. I like this. So, the rest of my night. There are three things I should do with hours 7,8 and 9 full and ready to be used. I have health, connections and calc work I should work on. While I can do the connections work tomorrow and tomorrow night, it wouldn't hurt to try to work on it tonight. Yeah. For health, I think I'll type up something instead of writing it. It's not going to take a long time. And for calc, I don't know. I'll look at the thing, print out the defense sheet and try to work on the problems. Ah. Tomorrow is a 1,3,5 day and I think it's going to be okay.
Next month is April. Isn't that really scary? I'm freaked out of my mind. I don't want high school to end.
CRASHING LIKE HARD RAIN
Monday, March 8, 2010, 9:36 PM
Updated Monday, March 8, 2010, 9:38 PM
I remember how I felt last week. Super weak and sick-like. Glad that's not my feeling today. No, I felt quite good even with the gigantic Big Show gut on max blast. It was a good day. Was anxious in the weekend, we all know about that. But hey, things sort of do work out in the end. The whole world doesn't come crashing down, not even my whole world, if I do something wrong. There's a song lyric that says "It's never too late.” I don’t normally listen to things like that but it’s actually true.
Anyone else getting ads on this site that have to do with babies and pregnancy and stuff like that? Aren’t they annoying? It’s very annoying.
So this morning. I woke up and did the on and off sleeping thing I normally do. Had a super scary 10 minute dream about some very bad teenagers who did some very bad things to other people and each other. Oh, after I woke up I was super freaked out. No more super. Got ready for school, deciding on the same things because they are all I have. I come into campus listening to Alejandro by Lady GaGa. I’m feeling a bit weird coming into this… seeing him for the first time since Thursday. I didn’t feel that way, just putting that thought in there as I’m typing this. Which is kind of weird and misleading. But yeah, I take my regular seat. Sit down, turn off GaGa, put that in my backpack. When class started it was like, hey we have a new defense sheet and people can start showing off how smart they are, put me to shame like they always do but hey… I seriously was ready to turn in some homework. Yeah I wrote about that here. But it never came to fruition. So today… did some evidence prep. Teacher was like, get some help from someone who was here on Friday and then know what happened on Friday. Well. I felt like there wasn’t anyone I could ask so I just sat there with my comp book unopened and unused. Then finally I turn to my right and was like “So… (insert his name)… what’d you do on Friday?” and he was like “We did this problem… nothing much… we did this on a calculator.” Words that did not help at all but I didn’t want to be like “yeah, show me what you did because I always forget how to do these things that come easy for you because you’re passing this class and I’m not.” It was pretty silent for a few small seconds then he asked me “How was the trip?” I went on for a little while about how I got lost, just had to include that. It was cool. He asked me if I did the mini essay and I said something like, yeah I spent five hours on it yesterday. Mindless talk but it was nice. So, got to work work but teacher’s work on the ELMO. It’s like, I get it somewhat, I can explain but give me a problem and I won’t be able to do it. I leave class a bit later than everyone. And even he leaves, he’s the first one out the door. Probably kind of “frustrated” he couldn’t turn in his work before class was over because teacher was busy showing me what happened on Friday. Ah well. Remember months ago when we would walk alongside sometimes but rarely together to next class…? It seems like so long ago
But I take time to get to next class, not having to worry about walking quickly to catch up with him. So I sang Sunshine and while I did sound mediocre, my voice didn’t crack or sound super horrible. Second period we did whatever work. Did one and a half problems today. Well, it’s just kind of really hard. It’s one thing to finish those damn problems, it’s another to get it checked off for cred. Because if it’s not marked for cred it doesn’t matter. And then there’s that blasted defense for projectile motion. Don’t think I’ll be able to do that at this rate. I mean, I could because I’ve done the problems but… ugh. Connections we did work work again. And HEY EVERYBODY my survival essay got an 8 out of 9. YAYYYZ! This is huge!!! Tomorrow is the last day of DP so we wrote thank you cards. Uh, then I went to see counselor and she showed me revisions changes on my resume for the scholarship. Yay, this is actually happening. It’s kind of weird, you know… how when I found out I was nominated by the teachers I felt super shocked and then fast forward a couple of weeks later and I’m happy to not have to do that. Well. I did work hard on that one, even if I did it last night after everything else. The survival essay is hardcore proof that the best ideas and word formation does come to me when I’m under pressure.
Third period was cool. Talk about the next assembly. Yeah. So, fourth period we did another round of badminton. Only played one game out of the three. Know, when I do have quiet time in the class I don’t spend it thinking about other things. Which is what I should be doing. Doing some deep thinking about things that deserve deep thinking. Well. I screwed up badminton today but it’s like… we both suck so it doesn’t really matter. I care more about not missing the damn birdie than winning a game. For lunch I went to the quiet library to make the changes to my resume. It took me longer than I intended so I didn’t get lunch. Although I could have used some food in me. But it’s okay. Fifth period, obviously I didn’t do the homework so… after teacher vented on us although she wasn’t very mad which is why she’s cool, we did that homework. First I called a sexual assault hotline and tried to ask my questions. It just ended up with me looking up the answers to the questions myself on the internet. Have to get ready with all that information by Wednesday. It started snowing hard today. All throughout sixth period also. It was kind of unbelievable just because. Snow didn’t happen in the Winter so having it happen now was really nice. I love Winter so this was cool.
Sixth period, yayyyz! Well, it wasn’t all like that. Let me tell you about something called a table war. Here it means I want someone to sit next to me but then there’s a lot of people in the class which means they want a place to sit… well, its’ not a lot like that. People want to sit next to their friends and not saying I have a lot of friends, I just don’t want anyone except for one person to sit next to me… ahhh. I’m super mean and not having him next to me doesn’t mean total doom as lived before but… there’s just something that gets to me. And I don’t like it. And when he sits next to me I don’t know what to do. And sometimes I don’t even like how I act. So yeah, he sits next to me here today and it’s totally cool. We take out the post it notes out of our books and it took me a long time because of all the ones I had. Ah, it wasn’t the nicest ceremony of book ending I would like to take. But, I have an 8 on my essay and that will always be close to me. He got a 7 on his essay and I’m so kicking myself for not saying he did a good job. I liked how he looked at his score, he pulled up a corner and looked at his paper very nervous mysteriously. Ah. For class today we are practicing close reading. Teacher read very sweetly this piece the studs analyzed and homework is close reading chart and commentary. After school I got to PN meeting and Bike Expo come this weekend. Yeah. When that was done and teacher drove me home, it sort of hit me that I should buy her a card because this is her last week before she goes on maternity leave. I mean, it’s the very least I could do but I should do something before she leaves since this week may be the last week I ever see her. Ah.
Okay, now onto some business. I think I’m losing him. Well. Of course I’m going to say that and it’s absolutely ridiculous that I say this seeing is how I never had him to being with. And I’m fairly certain he only sees me as a friend or close acquaintance no matter how much my fantasized mind wants to think differently. But… I think I’m losing him in the sense that there’s someone else that he is treating the same way he used to treat me and I am not liking it. Yeah well, this is what I don’t like about me. I act like this. But I can’t help but feel these feelings. So… the rest of my night will consist of some massive homework. Massive House and Gossip Girl. GG was on break for a long time. Don’t know if I want to pick up on it again. Tomorrow is a 2,4,6 day and I imagine I will be doing some massive work also. I’ll be trying hard, trying to get a good time for that mile. Ha. Anyway, I want to wake up early tomorrow, get up and watch some TV on Demand. Just because.
Another “Monday Night Wars 2010” tonight. Plug.
CRUSH
Sunday, March 7, 2010, 7:49 PM
Updated Sunday, March 7, 2010, 8:02 PM
You know, weekend entries are never a good sign. I just wish I didn't waste all this time yesterday. I seriously would have gotten something done. Well hey, I finished my mini essay for sixth. Committed myself to this computer for five hours and I finished it. I think it's a good paper and it isn't going to be like last time where I had to finish it on the day it was due. None of that. So there's a positive thing to come out of today. But it's also the fact that I spend more time and dedication on things for sixth period than my other classes. Sigh.
I have to write this thing, this one page statement on how my chosen activities in high school have shaped my future. While it's not the hardest thing in the world. It feels like another one of those "talk myself up like I'm some super student" kind of things. Although sometimes that is true, ha, I just don't feel like doing that because I'm terribly down. (I mean, I'm entry-ing on a weekend!) Ah well, I have this spot until 6PM when I watch Celebrity Rehab. There's still a lot I have to do for school. All this homework... this stuff. I have hours 5,6,7,8,9 until I have to get to sleep, listen to Loveline. the 9PM hour will be filled, so will the 6PM and 7PM hour. With Celebrity Rehab and House. Probably will try to put in some homework at those times. The 8PM hour, I want to use that time to do that homework thingy for fifth but I don't know if I have enough guts to call the place and ask them the questions.
What am I going to say? "Hey, I'm not actually a victim of sexual assault but I'm calling this hotline to ask about incest and other stuff like that for a health assignment that's due tomorrow but I haven't worked on until tonight because I just pushed it off to the side because I'm an idiot?" Okay that is not helping. I don't know what to do so... I'm just going to start with the first thing that's paining me. That one page statement. I don't know how I'm going to write that. I feel like I've written about that a million times before so that's why it doesn't seem interesting to me. I don't know what to say, how to respond to that. Well, I think this calls for some deep thinking and some music... as if I didn't listen to enough today. I have 72 minutes to get this work done.
Well I almost forgot. I have a wild vivid dream this early morning. I feel kind of weird because it was about a friend of mine. Well, since we had a long discussion about it in health, he's just like an acquaintance. Okay well I had a dream about him which was weird because the guy I like was in the dream also. And he was being himself. So the dream, it was last Thursday, the assembly. I was standing and helping with something and then my 'friend-acquaintance' whisked me away and we sat in the bleachers. He sat cross legged and we were holding hands, watching the assembly go by and I was feeling extremely guilty because I saw the guy I like, totally not paying attention to me as usual, ha, I can see his face with his usual expression as he watched the assembly. But then, the other guy next to me, who this dream is about, starts talking some weird things, I forgot what he said except for this one thing, he said he was going to perm his hair and I asked him why and he said so I wouldn't get bored with his look. And when I tried to reassure him there was nothing wrong with him, he quickly dismissed me. Ha, that was weird. I think there was something else that happened but not I don't remember it. It's funny how I still like HIM in my dreams, that's not going to change, right? Well. I guess I better get back to work.
FIND THE WAY OUT
Saturday, March 6, 2010, 1:06 AM
Updated Saturday, March 6, 2010, 3:15 PM
Well, today was interesting. Felt like a weekend because I wasn't at school. It was an all day field trip. Most recently I've been thinking that the UW would be my first choice but today shined on my number one fear which is the size and the great huge campus. While it's very pretty with Hogwarts castles, my experience was very neg. Last night I fell asleep listening to Loveline but I was hell bent on waking up early. But that did not work out. I had forty minutes to get ready and the most important thing I had to do was get this hair straightened out. Ha. So yeah, I did that, wore the same things from this week, tried to get ready in the dark. Almost forgot my iPod which would have SUCKED. Think my mind would have went crazy if I didn't have any tracks to drown my mind in. I can't handle riding in the metro with nothing on.
So yeah, teacher drives me to school and it was 6AM. The bus ride to the U district was long and I took that time to close my eyes in 3 minute intervals more or less to change the song on my iPod. Ha. But it was much needed shut eye time because I don't get that when I actually sleep. Hey, it's the weekend. It was massive cold today. Wore the usual jacket which I ruined by the end of the day. My hands weren't covered and I just wanted us to get to the HUB to not be in that coldness. When we did, we were one of the first school's to get there in this huge ballroom where a couple hundred chairs were. Lots of chairs. We sat in the near front but rows of chairs were still in front of us. After a trip to the bathroom, I got my schedule for the day. Four workshops of things involving language. After all, it was World Language Day. Ah. When the rest of the schools started coming in, the apparent majority was clear. ... How do I say this... there were a lot of caucasians. Yeah, with their blonde or brown locks, their tall statures and their clothes and cellphones. I don't understand why they would travel across the state, come here to Seattle and not even respect it. They were like "I don't want to go to (insert workshop)," they were commenting on how boring the opening speech was, not even listening to how some languages are dying and how learning a new language turns you into a different person open to new opportunities and how it's an added incentive for careers. I'm sure they weren't listening to that but what the fuck were they expecting! I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of this because I complained about today too but I didn't take today for granted and I didn't throw it away. Like they did. Stupid teenagers. Ugh.
My first workshop was Sex in Scandinavia. Honestly it was not what I expected. I was expecting something graphic and raunchy, some hardcore information, something people shy away from. But when I signed up I hoped to hear a little bit about sex trafficking. But there was nothing graphic or borderline inappropriate about this thing. There was talk about sex education, laws and politics. Which, is important but it just didn't interest me to keep me on the edge of my seat. But that was how I was sitting anyway because I knew I looked bloated and I was surrounded by skinny better looking and dressed people from across the state. It made me feel self conscious especially since I was there on my own. But I listened to everything said but it was like listening to someone talk about sex education, laws and politics in the USA. Here meaning there wasn't much of a difference between the two. Just small, subtle differences that had to be pointed out to be seen as such. Well. The second was about the many languages on some place in Mexico, forgot how to spell it. I know it started with an O and had a couple of x's in it. Well, it was like a presentation with powerpoint, statistics and all. Yeah. Now here comes the real fun.
Having lunch. We are a bunch load of unhealthy-ness. My friend bought a hamburger and a cheeseburger and I bought a plate of fries and chicken strips and a chocolate milkshake. We shared what I bought and I had that hamburger. It was damn good and I ate that with no restrictions. Didn't have to worry about being a slob. It was good. After that was another workshop, one I really wanted to go through. It was a Peace Corps perspective on Uganda. I really wanted to go there but... I got LOST. The stupid map didn't help at all, I was walking back and forth, trying to look like I knew where I was going in front of the college studs but they really couldn't have cared less about what I was doing. After 20 minutes of mindless walking, I called other my friend who had lunch at the time and we hung out for the remainder of the time. And then there was the last workshop. Titled "Culture Fair." What I envisioned in my mind was a huge ballroom with tables of different cultures and people dressed up dancing, food samples and information people don't already know. What was there was a small room and tables of things like a table for the art museum or people who've travelled to Japan or the different languages offered at the university. And then there was this table for the Italian club something or other and the guy there totally completely "conned" me into buying a really small piece of chocolate for 1.50. So then after that I completely left, sitting down on one of the chairs or going to the bathroom to look like I was waiting to use it. Near the end I went in the university bookstore and looked at the things. Hope that wasn't all of it. The one at UPS was so huge and it pretty much have everything and the one at UCLA did have everything. But hey, it was cool. And it was time to go. The weather was sunny and it was warm. We took a crowded bus, bought some tickets and were on the light rail. The light rail was kind of cool. But my freaking nose was running like it did all day and I ran out of the tissues I brought with me because I knew I would be needing them but I didn't know the runny-ness would last the whole day. So there I was, sitting there looking at my reflection in the window feeling closed off as I did when I had the monster on my face. Definitely did not want people seeing my face with some snot rolling down it. Uck. And what is a person supposed to do in that situation? Well, I wiped that shit on my sleeve. It was major gross. After some bus mishap and a bit of walking, we made it back to school. Teacher drove me home again and I was at home. That feeling of homesickness came again but I was glad to be back.
Know what... I didn't miss him very much. I mean, I thought about him when I was bored in the bus but other than that there was nothing. But since the afternoon passed, I am still thinking about it at night. I wonder... how Friday went. Without me sitting next to him, without us walking alongside after first period, without us saying bye in the end. Ah... wonder. But I covered every little thought yesterday. Well the weekend. I have a lot to do. To compensate for not working at all today, I will work hard tomorrow. Mini essay, that scholarship that is due this Monday. Monday.
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