Zone
Friday, July 27, 2007, 11:06 PM
My body aches like I haven*t slept for days. Like I haven*t lived. Like I haven*t breathed. Or maybe, like I lived in one zone only. And in that zone I still find myself.
Namely, Nick. I love him so much...and I am sure of his love for me. But I wonder what*s changed...what*s happened to him...or to us. I think it*s been around 2 weeks by now since we last spoke...and maybe over a week since the last text from him. Paranoid? Maybe I am. But I am so used to talking to him everyday. Almost everyday anyway. I have called him more than once and sent text messages...asking what*s up, if he*s ok, whatever. I feel so stressed...I am worried about him. When I last spoke to him he was in Chicago still...and I*m in Virginia, so it*s not like I can make a quick drive or something to find out what*s going on. I have to ask myself---Has he been harmed? Did something happen in his family? Did something happen with the military? ...Did he decide he wanted to break-up?...Is he angry at me for something?...Does he really love me?...etc...with only a cell phone number, what more can I possibly do but wait? And wait. And wait. And
Suffer. I love him. Am I being fooled? Have I been fooled? I want him to be ok...and for us to be ok, too.
My upcoming exams and recent tests and check-offs can*t hold a flame to my one concern. I am doing well as a side in the program...after Tuesday, I have some time off before my next semester begins. I am happy...and nervous. And those emotions are just...in a mix, in a mess right now...because my heart is hurting for the one I love. Hmm, almost sounds like a distasteful romance novel beginning or middle or something...waiting for action or a climax.
My brain is a mess. My heart is aching. At least that proves to be common to my whole body. I suppose I*m tired from work (I am)...but I am also tired from restless sleep...staying up unintentionally...waiting for a pointless jingle or ring-tone and only one name on the caller ID.
So, what can I do? I hope I*m paranoid only. I hope he*s just doing something silly like driving here to surprise me but deciding not to give me any hints or just communication. I hope he is ok. I really do. When I will know, I will know. And then, I will read this jabbering again sometime and think, damn I was being ridiculous...or recalling our last time together before...
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