I Wish...Here, There
Monday, August 13, 2007, 10:10 PM
Though each day the heat comes, and each night the moon glows, I have been little intimate in the summer. Frankly, it*s just too hot and humid! But when I can, I do enjoy the beach. I love the ocean...and the sand, hehe. Too bad Nick wouldn*t go to the beach with me!
He was here, for a bit! Passing through to North Carolina, where he will now be stationed and working with the Marines. I am happy for him...but I wish he was here. Here in my arms. Honestly though, I felt distant from him when he was here. I guess I was still a little mad at him for being dumb (yes, being dumb...for making me worry for nothing!). Plus, I am concerned for him...he looks...unhealthy. I know he*s lost weight...but he needs to eat and take care of his body.
Silly thoughts. It occurred to me earlier today that if we make it to December, we will have been officially dating for one whole year! Yay! Don*t have much else to say about that, except that...
I wish he was here.
I wish I knew where I was. I think inside, spiritually, I am on some sort of journey. My heart wants peace, but has yet to find its place. I have read...and I have prayed...and I have doubted...and read again. And not only spiritually. School starts again next week, and I*m not sure how prepared I am. I know I*m smart, but I want to be...comfortable...working with patients. I think I will be able to, but I fear those difficult patients...or when I don*t know the answers...and everything, and everything.
But it*s too soon to worry. Too soon. I just gotta do the best that I can. But I did get an A in both classes for the first semester, yay! A positive moment.
Relief. I have spent much time lately reading and watching TV...exciting, I know, heh, but something to pass the time. I*m trying to work when I can, before my hours drop to virtually nothing once my classes begin. I am broke now, and I will be even more broke soon. But I can only do what I can do.
Unrelated to all this and yet somehow related, a Baptist church group came to my door the other day. As if it wasn*t bad enough when the Mormons or whoever come to my door. They asked me about my church and my attendance of church, and of course gave me a tract. I didn*t mind so much, I guess. But it made me remember how my church attendance has dropped. I just...couldn*t even listen the last time I went. I love the church, but I have grown so liberal...I fear if others knew more, then I would feel unwelcome or something. I mean, I probably shouldn*t make that assumption, but it*s hard to listen to a sermon that at least mentions something against homosexuality, when you could really care less about what consenting adults do in the bedroom.
~sigh~
I do believe...in God, you could say. But my beliefs about God are once again growing and changing. I hate the times so recent that I*ve been called an unbeliever. I don*t think I*ve ever been an unbeliever in a god or in the Divine...yet my heart is crying. I want to be comfortable in my faith.
I wish I was there.
Though I can walk around the block, and remember the tree and cemetery and even the stupid boards, I wish I was there.
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