Found
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 10:30 PM
Something like a teenager has come over me lately. A certain form of lost identity. A certain...feeling. Like...who am I? I am only 22 so it makes sense that I would question and wonder...my life isn*t done. I*m ever-changing into...something. I don*t want to be lost.
My life is on track, silly wording...I am doing well in x-ray school. I have already tested on 6 exams, while only 5 were required for this semester. I*m pleased with myself. The clinical site is ok for the most part...the best part is the instructor. She is really nice.
Career forming potential, here I am coming. Besides a good job one day, I basically know what I want. A husband, just to shake it up. I have always wanted to start a family young, if I ever start one at all. But I am with Nick, and I love him, and we*ve had ups and downs, but I love him, and I want us to stay together, but...I need him.
Now. Location, location. I want to move to the country (if you know me, don*t hate. You just can*t). Or at least semi-rural. Not full on urban city crazy---no rest. Beautiful something. Nature, nature. Untouched. Or at least only semi-touched. Beautiful something to help create a beautiful me.
I think if I keep loving someone, then I*ll gain strength...or if I get my education, then I*ll be wise...or if I just get far enough away, I*ll somehow be free. I want to be strong, and wise, and free...and it takes time...
Who am I? I*m not as strong as I could be. And free...that will always be a matter of debate with others and debate with myself. If I need more faith (directed, actual faith)...or if I have to get away...or if a new kind of love and...
Something. But I*m lost I fear. I wonder, in a type of actual pain, if I should call on God. Or a Great Spirit. Or the Earth. Or Nick. Or myself...or no one...
So, tonight I*ll just be dreaming. I*ll think about the times recent spent with friends such as Julie from work, or school life Stefanie, Bobbi, and Sara...the fun at Mexican with all, and random club visits...and then escape to that place where I*m married, with a career, and living somewhere that makes me happy...
And whole. And
Found.
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