More revelation...
Saturday, August 23, 2003, 12:00 AM
Updated Saturday, August 23, 2003, 10:52 PM
Well, today a friend of mine suggested I write a book about my views and shit because he said I have 'good opinions'. So while I was writing, I was bashing on Good Charlotte esque kiddie punkers. I then realized how much like a fucking elitist I sounded. I always bashed the elitists because they made punk out to be an exclusive social sect and you had to dress and act a certain way to be part of it. I always said that punk is about being yourself, doing what you want to do. But here I am bashing these kids for calling themselves punk. Who the hell gave me the right to make fun of these kids for that? They are doing what they want after all. So doesn't that make them punk? I hated elitists for the same things I was doing. Making punk out to be a social sect. I was way out of fucking line. I slammed my head into a wall shortly thereafter. I'm going to try to lighten up a bit on that subject. I've already realized that Good Charlotte deserves respect because they never said they were punk and they are doing what they want to do. So from now on, no more acting like a fucking elitist for me! Perhaps my misanthropia is clearing up... Damn, then I'll be acting like a hippie... Shit.
Now that we're done with that...
Today I went up to the video store and rented 'Chasing Amy' My second favorite movie and the only Kevin Smith movie I haven't watched over 20 times. It really described my relationship troubles. Not that I'm really in a relationship so to speak... But yea, this quote hit the nail on the head.
"You know at that moment I felt small, like, like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her, or somthing like that, you know what I'm saying? But what I did not get was she didn't care, she wasn't looking for that guy anymore, she was, she was looking for me, for, for the Bob, but by the time I'd figured this all out it was too late, man, she'd moved on and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now, But... I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy"
The circumstances were of different of course, but the idea is the same. I seemed to be losing her, so I decided I was gunna show her that I too could move on as well as make her jealous. In the end, I had lost her for real, and not just in my mind. I acted like a selfish, foolish, cold hearted bitch. I wanted to hurt her before she could hurt me. I totally went for the jugular and succeeded in that, but failed at winning her back. And like Silent Bob said, all I had to show was some stupid pride which turned into regret soon afterward. If I could go back in time, I'd give myself a good kick in the groin before I could pull that stupid move. But there's really nothing I can do now, except adapt I guess. I don't believe in destiny or soul mates or any of that bullshit. But if I do have a soul mate, she was the one. And I shoved her away in the worst possible way. I exploited her imperfections so fucking badly. I'm such a fucking asshole. She never did anything to deserve that, and yet I still did it. No one has made a big deal about my imperfections, but I've already done that. I'm a close minded, selfish, arrogant, cocky, lazy, worthless, no talent sonofabitch. Hell, we could go further than that but I have to get off soon. I fucked this up, just because things had to be 'my way'. Someone should just shove a big metal pipe in my ass, maybe that would give me some fucking sense. I don't fucking deserve her, maybe that's why I'm so fucking insecure. While we were dating, I knew she could do a hell of a lot better than me. The thought of losing her scared the shit out of me. And I did end up losing her, but not because of some other guy, but because of my own stupid actions. God, there's nothing I can do except just live with it. Fuck...
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