Faux Resolve
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009, 4:13 PM
I wish they offered apathy injections.
Kevin told me today that he would rather me be depressed than apathetic. He said that when I started not to care that things go scary.
Imagine, Erin not caring?
Erin always cares. Too much. To a definite fault. Is it possible for someone to care so much that they short-circuit themselves? I sit here watching the sun go down early, soaking in November, embracing my fate and what I know are the facts. Dirt can only cover up so much. It doesn't change the chemical properties of the truth. It just hides it from people's eyes. It's still the truth. It can't ever truly be changed or manipulated.
I sit here looking at the sun set and I accept the facts apathetically. I listen to sad songs and accept the facts.
I'm pregnant.
I'm not happy.
I'm scared.
I'm not ready.
I don't know what I want in life.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I love and miss Joe more than anyone wants to know.
I am bitter with how things worked out.
I'm so ashamed of how I feel.
I want Kevin to be happy.
I want Kevin to have all the things he's always wanted because he deserves them.
I'm as human as human gets.
There is a God, and He loves me.
I don't know how all those truths work together, but they are truths. Dirt pushed aside. There's no sense in hiding the truth from myself. I know better. All it does is make the truth look dirty. The truth is what it is.
Apathy ...
I am afraid but cannot feel the fear right now. God is taking pity on me.
I feel his spirit and I want to draw and paint. It's the only time I want to or feel the need to. To live in the other world in a way that others will appreciate. It's the only way to make it seem beautiful. Nobody can take that from me. Nobody can intimidate that out of me. I can't feel guilty enough to scratch it off.
True artists are so because they have no choice. It's the only way they can survive in a world they can't breathe in. God loves me enough to prove me with a scapegoat.
Some pencil.
Some paint.
I can tell the world what I really meant. It's the only way they'll like to see it.
In riddles.
In colors.
In secret.
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