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Tuesday, November 3, 2009, 11:49 PM
Updated Tuesday, November 3, 2009, 11:49 PM
I tried to open up to mom on the phone tonight, the way I did with grampa this morning. I should know better. We ended up fighting, crying, shredding each other limb from limb. I hate this. I'm so confused.
In the midst of the fight, Kevin flies out of bed and finds me in tears on the couch. He points his finger right in my face and demands to know who I'm talking to. I'm confused.
"Mom?" I said. He knew I was talking to her earlier.
He wouldn't put his finger away.
"What??" I ask, flustered.
He storms off.
Mom and I finish the fight in tears and reconciliation. Promises that it will be different next time. Broken record. We hang up. I collect myself. Go to the bathroom. While I'm on the toilet, I hear Kevin literally growl and fly out of bed, storm through the kitchen and slam the back porch door. I went out there to find him slouched over, smoking.
"What's your problem, baby?" I asked him.
"Can you fucking tell me why it's 11-fucking-thirty and I'm still awake? Can you tell me? Huh?"
I cower. I'm getting used to this. I try to respond to him but he cuts me off at every first syllable.
"FUCK!"
I softly apologize and close the door. I go out into the living room, back to my prison couch and cry. My heart has never been so alone and full of sorrow. I think he might cool off and come in, realize I need him, but he slams the door, stomps through the house, and slams the bedroom door behind him, muttering, "fuck" all the way through.
I sit and watch "Scrubs". Elliot called off her wedding and the main guy wants to call it off with his pregnant girlfriend. A perfectly placed background situational foreshadowing fit for a movie.
I sit here clutching the pillow, knowing this is where I'm going to be sleeping again. Everything I know about Kevin is fading. The warmth I used to get from him is turning cold with the changing of the seasons. I ask myself why, over and over again, why this had to happen, why did I have to be pregnant when this would happen so soon after?
Kevin and I haven't been together more than 7 months. Already he can't stand me. Already I'm afraid of him.
Every day the end comes closer and closer, faster and faster. How much more empty can a heart feel before it ceases to exist? He says he loves me, but I don't feel it anymore. Love is just a word that lies to you.
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