Dearest Pennywise
Monday, November 2, 2009, 9:52 PM
Updated Monday, November 2, 2009, 10:08 PM
Note: Sorry for spelling, and sorry for entering it twice, I have no Idea how I did it. I also apologize for the disjointed thoughts
Note Note:: I talked to both my parents actually and long story short they advised me to talk to my drama teacher about it. I know I can't tak to her, but what if I wrote a note/ letter? I'm scared she'll think I'm some loser. But should I do It anyways? Anyone who reads this could you please send your opinion? It'd be greatly appreciated/
Well I ended up getting really sick, hence no entry until today.. I wonder if anyone's really noticed or cares. Doesn't really matter, it's nice to just let things out.
So I got sick on tuesday, and finally recovered. Yet still have not completed IT, although very good, it is VERY long. I'm at the last two hundred pages and rushing to the end, I wouldn't be writing this right now except I feel like I just need to let something out right now. I'm not too sure what it is though.
I've missed four days of school, and have not seen anyone other than my family in six. It's kind of a lonely life. And now I know what I want to get of my chest.
I have a problem with social anxiety. Its not like crippling, but it's enough to cause endless nights of crying and being terrified of doing stuff that normally I'm completely fine with. I actualy used to visit a therapist. I didn't open up much, so eventually she figured I was 'cured'. definately not.
Whenever I'm away from school or my friends for a relly long time I get scared, really scared like I am now, and also ypu know that drama thing I mentioned? I didn't even get a speaking role.. So right now I don't even want to show my face. I want to curl u[ and die. It feels like the end of the word for me. Normally I'd talk to my mom about this, but i'm so embarassed. all these thoughts and feelings are going through me right now and I can't organize them or control them and it's driving me nuts!
okay, first, I don't want to talk to my mom about it becasue i'm embarassed that such a little thing is making me freak out.
second, what if she tells me I should call my thereapist again? Then I'll have to admit to hiding a lot of my feelings and I'll feel bad
thrid, I have this over whealming feeling to finish IT, like I have to before school or I'll go nuts
fourth, i'm terrifyed of all the work I'll have
fifth, I don't want to go to drama. I don't I used to be outgoing. Not overly but enough to get a ninety in that class, but this year I've closed up and not even once have I participated. To not get a speaking role is like a huge blow when I know it shouldn't be
sixth, reading this all back, I'm thinking dispite my fears, I should talk to my mom.. and maybe call my thereapist. I'm kind of pathetic.
It's weird, I totally started this off in a good mood.
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